To the grieving....

I haven't posted on here in several years but came across the memory on Facebook where I posted this song on Nov 1, 2011. I just revised my wording and re-posted it for those who are grieving.....

Early May of 2011, mine and my children's world came crashing down - suddenly,  unexpectedly,  without warning.  This song has became my heart's song for quite a while after I heard it. I posted it Nov 1, 2011.

There are several i know who have experienced devastating blows - you are on my mind and in my prayers daily.  I know I wasn't in a frame of mind to hear music at that time but maybe the words to this song will say what you're feeling but can't express.  

Breathe in, breathe out

It's all that I can do now

Hold on somehow

My world has come crashing down

And I cannot understand

How this could be Your heart

Still I'm lifting trembling hands

Help me trust in who You are

You are my God

Here in the darkness, in the night

You have never left my side

You are my God

Even when I can't see Your face

I know I'm held in Your embrace

You are my God

I'm weak, I'm torn

My tears like rain fall to the floor

But peace, my Lord

You have whispered in this storm

And this is still Your plan--

That You would have my heart

So I'm lifting trembling hands

Help me trust in who You are

And where else can I go?

And who else can I turn to?

Your word is eternal life and I'm not letting go

I'm holding on to You

You are my God

https://youtu.be/bOnM_YUS72o?si=f5JLTy5igjbgHdrm

Joy Comes in the Morning

...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

     Sometimes the night seems endless.  Some days it feels your sorrow or trial will never end.  You've held on tightly to hope but wonder when morning will come.  You try to smile but it never feels quite genuine.  Keep hanging in there, my friend!  Joy will return, and the sun will shine again.  

Weeping may endure for a night....

     In life, you will go through things at times that literally knocks the breath out of you.  You wonder if you will survive or if things will ever get better.  They will.  It may not feel like it at the moment but your trial, your sorrow, the darkness of night will only endure but for a little while.  It can't last forever.  Just as the night turns into day and the sun always rises in the morning, your joy will return.  

JOY cometh in the morning....

     God promised that ALL things work together for good to them that love God....(Romans 8:28). You love God. He loves you.  He will work this out for your good.  You didn't plan for life to go this way.  What has happened is not by your choosing. He will turn this situation around.  What the devil meant to destroy you, God will use to bring Him glory.  You are called and He will work everything out according to HIS purpose.   Morning is coming and with it, joy!   

     

     

Waiting on God

Waiting on God to bring things to pass can be frustrating and exhausting, especially if it's been years and you’re still waiting on things to come to pass. But remember Abraham…he received a Promise yet he did not see the fullfillment for many many many years.  Then he tried to make it happen in his own way and ended up with Ishmael at 86 yrs old.  He  was 91 before Isaac finally came. Sometimes you have to wait and though it may seem like it's never going to happen, wait patiently. If you try to force it to happen, you could end up with an Ishmael, always taunting and fighting against the Promise.

Father's Day

Father's Day, as with all holidays, is a day of mixed emotions.  While I'm thankful my dad is still living, it hurts that my children no longer have theirs. I spent the day celebrating my dad across the miles and mourning the father of my children. 

After calling my dad and wishing him a Happy Father's Day, I stopped by the grave of my late husband.  This is our 4th Father's Day without him and it's still painful.  Tears would not stop falling as I knelt beside his headstone, lovingly caressing his picture.  I miss him!  His children miss him!  

I know he's having a grand celebration up in Heaven, but we have a huge empty place in our hearts because he's not here for us to celebrate with.  I read something recently that is so true, "They say time heals all wounds.  It's not time that heals, but God."  Healing is coming but slowly....for all of us.

A Lost Roll of Film

I recently found a roll of undeveloped film which had to have been taken before my husband passed.  So, I turned it in to be developed, anxiously awaiting its return, and wondering what treasures I was going to find.  Wonder turned to despair as I glanced through the pictures and found not one of them turned out.  It was almost more than my heart could handle.  Thankfully, the nice gentleman working the photo labs did not charge me.  I wanted to cry but took a deep breath instead and walked away.  That one little upset has thrown me into a state of despair all afternoon.  It may seem trivial to someone who has not lost at such a deep level, but, to me, it was a major upset.  It would have been better not to have ever found that roll of film.  That despair has led me into deeper despair as I've wondered and questioned where my life, my ministry, my future is headed.  As I pondered these things in my heart, I suddenly realized the song, "Hold On To the Promises" was playing over and over in the background of my mind until it became loud enough for me to hear, reminding me God WILL keep His Promises!  Sometimes, it just takes longer than we anticipate or would like.

A Day in the Life of a Single Mom

Being a mom is not easy....being a single mom is even tougher!  Especially if your a working single mom without any family that lives near.  Here's a glimpse into my day (I'm sure you can relate if you're a single mom)...

I wake every morn around 5 or 5:30am (unless I have to be to work early) in order to get myself and the kids up and ready in time for work.  We were ready to head out the door a little before 7am, but then I found out my daughter still is not feeling well and actually asked to go to the doctor (I knew she must be really sick).  I dropped my son off at school a little after 7am then headed straight to the doctor's office  arriving around 7:20am.  The doctor was finally able to see her around 8am and prescribes antibiotic for a sinus infection.  There was no time to stop by the pharmacy, so I rushed back home to drop her off then headed into work arriving a half hour late.  

It was a busy, hectic day at work as usual...rushing to a school to take orders, rushing back to office with work piling up...all while dealing with a severe sinus headache as well.  Five pm finally arrived, but I still had to get my daughter's prescription filled so I headed to the pharmacy we always used (25 minutes from work but close to home).  I stood in line and waited.....and waited.....and waited.....   Finally, I was next in line, but the lady at the drop off window did not motion me forward, so I waited.....and waited.....and waited..... until I looked over and saw the pick up window was backed clear up as well.  That's when I decided to go to a different grocery store that has quicker pharmacy service. 

As I was driving, somehow the bottle of pop flew out of my hand and landed upside down in my lap.  I tried to dab up the soda from my skirt while driving and all the while feeling perplexed because I still needed to go fill her prescription but now I would have to walk into the store with this HUGE wet spot on the front of me (thankfully it was a brown skirt so it wasn't too noticeable).  I walked in, dropped off the prescription within seconds, grabbed some groceries, picked up the meds, payed for my groceries, and headed home.  By that time, it was already way after 6pm. 

As I headed home, I realized I had not checked mail in several days so I made yet another stop.  (My mail is not delivered to my home so I have to find time to stop by the Post Office....and unfortunately their hours never coincide with my work hours so if I need to pick up a package, I am in a quandary.)  I finally made it home around 6:30pm but then I still had to bring in all the groceries (the kids helped put them away). 

At this point, I still haven't even thought about supper.  I know it's Wednesday and we should be at church but my daughter and I are not feeling well.   As a single mom, I push myself until I can't push anymore and tonight is one of those nights.  I am so thankful our church webcasts its services so we could at least listen to the preaching. There's so many things I should be, could be, or need to be doing, but it will have to wait for another day when Mom is feeling better. 


 

New Chapter in Life

Another page has turned and a new chapter has begun in my life. I am now a mother-in-law! (I have been a step-mother-in-law for several years but it's quite a different feeling when it's my little girl getting married.) I'm not old enough for this and neither is she!!!   I keep telling myself that, but obviously I am and she is as well.  My oldest daughter has been married for 4 months now.  The first 2 months were a painful adjustment for me.  It sent me back into another cycle of grief as I adjusted to another loss.  Yes, I know I didn't lose a daughter but gained a son...still, it was a painful adjustment to no longer have her living in the same house or even the same town.  Thankfully, she is not too far away and is married to a wonderful young man.  It gives this momma's heart peace and comfort knowing he dotes on her and so does his family.

My daughter was such a beautiful bride!  I had been so busy with all the wedding prep that I was able to bury the pain of her father not being there to walk her down the aisle until we were ready to begin the ceremony.  All of a sudden, every emotion rushed in on me as I looked at her standing there.  I have never cried at a wedding before, but I cried at this one.  Memories of the day I married Mike flooded back into my mind as I watched my dad walk his granddaughter down the aisle. I never would have thought my husband would not be there 20 years later to walk his little girl down the aisle. I tried (unsuccessfully at times) to hold back the tears and focus on the joy I saw radiating from my daughter's face.  I was so thankful my dad was there to stand in her dad's place. 

The next page in my life was turned not long after that when the lady I was a caregiver to suffered another stroke and had to be placed in a nursing home.  It was not easy seeing her in that condition, and it also left me without a job.  During this time of transition, God provided part time jobs to carry me through until I was able to find a full time job. 

In the meantime, I was able to take my two youngest on our first official vacation.  I'll admit it was scary to plan a trip without my husband but I was determined to go.  I knew we needed it...or at least I did....so, off to Houston we went.  We found a nice hotel in a perfect location between Houston and Galveston allowing us to plan trips without much travel in either direction. I think my favorite part was driving down around the Gulf (I love the palm trees and ocean!).   My only regret is that we did not take the Ferry to see the dolphins but my kids were not feeling well that day so a water ride could have made matters worse (you know, the 'feed the fish' type of worse).  Ugh!  Anyway....

God's timing is perfect!  It wasn't many days after we arrived back from vacation that I was able to find full-time employment.  It hasn't been easy to work those long hours each day as a single parent but we're adjusting.  I am truly thankful for my job!  

I've dealt with so many emotional ups and downs, highs and lows over the past couple months...the latest being another anniversary without my husband.  God sent comforting words that I needed to hear on what would have been our 21st Anniversary. "A man of God in the will of God is immortal until his work on earth is done." It was his time to go or God wouldn't have taken him.  We miss their dad more than words can express, but I can see healing is beginning to take place within us. 

Reflecting On The Past Several Months

It has been quite a while since I last blogged.  A LOT has transpired since then.

A week before Thanksgiving, I received word on a Friday night that the test results for my oldest daughter came back positive for Lupus. My heart sank! I became desperate and serious with God.  Our family had already been through so much.  We couldn't take more heartache so I spent the weekend fasting and praying.   Many rallied to our support joining with more fasting and prayers.  By Monday, God turned the whole situation around!  The second test they ran came back negative!!!  She did NOT have Lupus!  God heard our prayers and performed a miracle in her body!  We had so much to be thankful for on Thanksgiving Day!

A few days after Thanksgiving, my heart was grieving again.  The precious lady I was a caregiver for passed from this life to her eternal home.  She is missed but we take comfort in knowing she is resting in Jesus and one day, we shall see her again.

Christmas morning we awoke to a storm.  The kids opened their presents and I began to prepare Christmas dinner.  The food had just finished cooking (except the pie) before the power went off.  I was not aware that just a few miles from us, a tornado was leaving a trail of destruction.  We drove around after the storm passed looking for someplace with electricity and were shocked by what we saw.  Trees were down, utility poles twisted and snapped,  semi-trailers laying on their side,  a house with its roof caved in because a tree had fallen on it...yet despite all that, no one was injured.  God was protecting everyone on Christmas Day. 

New Year's Day we awoke to water pouring through our ceiling.  Apparently, the Christmas Day tornado had pulled some of the roofing back allowing the water access on the next hard rain.  I must confess that I did panic.  Through it all, God again showed He was watching over us and sent help to fix the leak.  Thankfully the repairs were not as extensive as I originally feared.

Easter Sunday, our area was hit by yet another tornado right after Easter service.  I knew the weather was bad but had no idea we were driving near a tornado.  The rains were torrential, we saw road signs twisted and laying over backwards, roads were flooding, and power lines were down again.  I stopped within inches of running over a downed power line.  I'm not sure it would have harmed us since the electricity was out but I did not want to take any chances nor did I want to run over the broken glass from the downed light pole. 

Reflecting on the past few months, I can see how God has had His hand on us time and again. So thankful!

Looking on the bright side of things....
My oldest daughter is engaged so we have been busy preparing for her wedding.  My heart breaks that her dad will not be there to walk her down the aisle, but we refuse to let the pain of loss overshadow the joy of gain.  She is gaining a soul-mate to share the rest of her life with. And God just keeps blessing and supplying every need for her special day. 

The Purse, The Thief, and Walmart

     What a crazy night!  I just saved my daughter's purse from being stolen at Walmart. A lady walked up and stood right beside her cart where her purse was...the whole aisle was empty but she chose to stand right there so I kept an eye on her. My daughter noticed the lady was close behind her so she moved her cart forward a little then turned back to look at the candy.  I noticed the lady moved forward and stood in front of her purse again eying it. Next thing I see is her picking it up and shoving it under the stuff in her hand.

     I immediately stood in front of her and demanded she give it back.  She tried to say it was hers but I was mad and started hollering for security (Mama Bear came out in me) so she quickly handed it back then walked away saying I was crazy and she didn't know what I was talking about. I followed her through the store hollering for security (I know I looked like a crazy woman but I was NOT going to let her get away). Finally 3 workers came to see what the commotion was but said they couldn't do anything since she did not have my daughter's purse in her possession and she was still denying it.

     Later as we were leaving, one of the cashiers asked if we got the purse back. I explained more about what happened then she told me what transpired after I walked away.  It is suspected she did get away with stealing someone else's wallet (which I saw in her hand but she insisted was hers to security). All of "her" cards were declined, the "pins" were incorrect, and her ID did not match up when she tried to write a check....then after she left, another lady came to the front saying her wallet was missing.

So frustrating!  She was right there, they had her, but could not hold her because of the laws. 

     I'm very thankful I was there, watchful, and was able to quickly retrieve the purse before she got away.  I know it was God....I had stopped to look at some things while she went to the candy aisle (she's old enough...an adult now) but felt to quickly go to where she was.  I know now it was God guiding me to be there at that moment.   She learned a valuable lesson - hold on tightly to your purse!  

     I am posting this to pass a warning on to all you ladies, also, so hopefully you will not go through what we went through tonight.

Painful Adjustments and Insomnia

     It's been several months since I've blogged so I apologize for the long absence.  I keep having bouts of insomnia so decided to make use of this awake time (although I know I'm going to pay for it when morning comes).  Coffee is becoming my best friend!

     There have been more ups and downs, highs and lows as I adjust to being a single mom on top of dealing with our grief.  I've had to make many hard decisions on my own concerning the kids, work, etc that I was used to discussing with my husband to get his input.  Now it's all on my shoulders and is a daunting and painful task.  I'm thankful God has placed friends in my life who've been where I'm at that encourage, comfort, and provide input needed.

      After much prayer and tears, I had to make the difficult decision to no longer home-school and place my 2 younger children in public school.  I needed to find work and knew I could not do both.  It was a very stressful transition for me (they were fine) because I had been a stay-at-home, home-schooling mom since they were born.  But I am happy to report they are doing well in school and loving it!

      Because we only have one vehicle, I've had to depend on my oldest daughter to become chauffeur for her siblings when they had to be one place and I needed to be at another.  It's been stressful on all of us, but I think we're finally starting to adjust.  

      Labor Day weekend was difficult (for me)....our anniversary always falls on or around that weekend.  This year would have made 20 years of marriage.  It was very painful to think about.  I didn't want to mope and cry all day so without telling the kids why, I gathered them up and headed to the zoo.  I just wanted (and needed) to get my mind off the pain.  Despite the heat, we spent a couple hours walking around looking at all the animals.   It turned out to be a good day.

     I'm looking at the clock and realizing it's only 3 1/2 hours before I need to get up so I'm going to attempt once again to get some sleep.  My body knows it's time for sleep, but my mind keeps churning.  Hopefully, my mind will let me rest now that I've blogged.

 

LEARNING I CAN

Hurray!  I finally figured out how to remove the bathroom sink's plug so I could remove whatever was clogging the drain.
     Kinda wish now I hadn't....the stuff that was down in there...Ugh!
          But it had to be done....
               was cheaper than calling a plumber...
                    and better than pestering friends (again) for what was a simple fix.

(I'll save your stomach and not post a picture of what the plug looked like when I pulled it out.)

     After looking under the sink for the 10th time, I figured out I just needed to unscrew the lever from the back of the drain under the sink to remove it from the plug valve thingy (yeah, I know....not the correct terminology) allowing me to lift it up and out of the drain.   Now I know how to fix it in case it ever happens again.  

My husband was a carpenter and handyman.

He could fix anything and everything.  

He was so talented! 

Every time something needs fixed around the house, 

it reminds me he's no longer here.

I miss him so much!

Because he's not here, I'm learning how to do some of the maintenance myself....

• The other day, I finished the grout work my wonderful husband was not able to complete.
• I also re-painted the stucco which had been started but never finished.
• I've learned how to cut angles for trim and baseboard.
• And I've learned how to caulk...perhaps not perfect but it's done.
• I've installed towel rings and toilet paper holders
• And put together bookshelves and storage cubes
  

I realized I had learned a lot more from him than what I thought I had.

While it is nice to know I can do these things, my heart aches longingly for him each time I have to undertake one of these projects.....alone....without him.

BATTLE OF THE WIDOWS

Memorial Weekend

     I'm actually beginning to 'strongly dislike' (trying not to say 'hate') holidays.  I know I shouldn't feel that way (and I'm sure I won't feel this way forever) but this is how I feel right now.  I'm missing my husband, I see the sadness on my children's faces, and family is too far away to get together with...holidays just seem to compound the pain and loneliness.  *sigh!*  BUT it will get better! I cling to that hope!  I have to in order to make it through.

     I went to my husband's grave prepared to clean around it and water the ground with my tears.  As I began brushing dirt and cobwebs off the headstone and flower urn, I noticed there were cobwebs among the flowers (again).  Since they were beginning to look faded, I pulled them out to replace them.  Inside, was a big black spider and evidence of it's many midnight snacks.  I was trying to decide if I should just put the new flowers in and ignore it when it moved.  To my horror, I spotted a RED HOURGLASS!

Thus began....

THE BATTLE OF THE WIDOWS

The Grieving Widow versus the Black Widow

     I stood petrified for a few minutes trying to figure out what to do next.   The only thing I had on hand was Repel mosquito spray so I grabbed it and began spraying.......and spraying......and then I sprayed some more.  It worked...or at least stunned it enough that I was able to kill it and it's eggs with a stick. It was a battle between the widows, but I won (thankfully)! One thing about seeing that spider...it helped me to quickly forget my sorrow, but now I have the heebie jeebies!  

Whoever said, "you have nothing to fear except fear itself" must have forgotten about poisonous spiders!!! 

MOTHER'S DAY

    For many, Mother's Day is a day of celebration full of laughter and family get-togethers.  For others, it's a day of painful reminders and an empty place in the heart.  Some are missing a parent, others are missing their spouse, while the arms of others are aching to hold their child one last time.  I know of many...too many!  Whatever the loss, my heart and prayers go out for all who are grieving.

     Throughout the day, I found my mind meandering back down Memory Lane, perusing the streets of yesterday. Last year, Mother's Day fell two days after my husband's funeral taking all joy out of any celebration.  I remember feeling like I was walking in a nightmarish hazy fog.  It still seems so recent and yet so long ago....so many painful memories opening afresh the wounds in my mind. 

     I pushed aside the pain of yesterday to focus on the blessings of today.  My children surprised me with a card, balloons, and my favorite candy bars for Mother's Day.  My eyes welled with tears as they proudly presented their gifts.  This was their first year shopping without anyone else assisting or reminding them.  I know it all came from their hearts making their gifts extra special to me.

BROKEN HEART

     Well, this emotional roller coaster has thrown me for another loop showing me it's not about to let me off yet.  I thought once the 1 year anniversary was past, my grieving would lessen.  On the contrary, the tears have been flowing for the past two days.  Yesterday, it was difficult to quit crying.  I would get my emotions under control only to find myself bent over weeping profusely once again.  

      I managed to put on my 'happy face' last night while we attended a dinner honoring my daughter and her friend on their graduation and then once again for a meeting at the church.   Being busy was a helpful distraction, and we had great hosts who kept us rolling with laughter (much needed laughter!).  But once again today I find myself battling the tears.

     I am thankful that most days are good and the tears are becoming less frequent.  I guess I wasn't expecting grief to hit me with this much intensity again, but as I've often told others, "how can you get over 19 years of someone being such a vital part of your life in such a short span of time?"  You just can't!  Part of my heart is missing and it hurts!  Deeply!

     God has promised He will heal the broken hearts and bind up our wounds, but as with all wounds, it's a painful procedure and healing takes time. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change what happened that day, but since I can't I'm learning to pray this prayer: 

GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,

THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN

AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

GRADUATION DAY 2012

Lately, my mind keeps flashing back to memories of what I was doing "a year ago on this day...."

     My oldest daughter's graduation was Sunday - a day of joy and celebration - yet at the same time, there was pain and sorrow because her father was not here to help celebrate and cheer her on as she walked her graduation walk.  My mind kept thinking back remembering how on this day last year we were holding a funeral and laying my precious husband to rest.  I tried to push that memory out of my mind as much as I could (though it was never completely gone) so that I could focus on the joy and triumph of today.  So proud of who she has become and the knowledge that God has greater things for her life ahead!

     I wasn't sure my children (although teenagers) realized the connection between today and a year ago until my middle daughter asked, "Mom, do you realize it's been a year?"  Yes, my sweet girl, I can't help but realize it's been a year.  There were tears in both of our eyes and pain in our voices as we talked.  I noticed my son also had tears in his eyes so after we were finished with our heart to heart, I went to have one with my little boy who's now growing up into a young man.  I didn't get very far in talking with him...you know how these young men like to act like 'tough guys.'  I wish I could take their pain away and make everything better as I used to be able to do when they were little.  Unfortunately, I can't so I do the only thing I know to do....do what I can to let them know I love them and pray diligently for each of them.  I can't heal their hurting hearts but God can!