LEARNING I CAN

Hurray!  I finally figured out how to remove the bathroom sink's plug so I could remove whatever was clogging the drain.
     Kinda wish now I hadn't....the stuff that was down in there...Ugh!
          But it had to be done....
               was cheaper than calling a plumber...
                    and better than pestering friends (again) for what was a simple fix.

(I'll save your stomach and not post a picture of what the plug looked like when I pulled it out.)

     After looking under the sink for the 10th time, I figured out I just needed to unscrew the lever from the back of the drain under the sink to remove it from the plug valve thingy (yeah, I know....not the correct terminology) allowing me to lift it up and out of the drain.   Now I know how to fix it in case it ever happens again.  

My husband was a carpenter and handyman.

He could fix anything and everything.  

He was so talented! 

Every time something needs fixed around the house, 

it reminds me he's no longer here.

I miss him so much!

Because he's not here, I'm learning how to do some of the maintenance myself....

• The other day, I finished the grout work my wonderful husband was not able to complete.
• I also re-painted the stucco which had been started but never finished.
• I've learned how to cut angles for trim and baseboard.
• And I've learned how to caulk...perhaps not perfect but it's done.
• I've installed towel rings and toilet paper holders
• And put together bookshelves and storage cubes
  

I realized I had learned a lot more from him than what I thought I had.

While it is nice to know I can do these things, my heart aches longingly for him each time I have to undertake one of these projects.....alone....without him.

BATTLE OF THE WIDOWS

Memorial Weekend

     I'm actually beginning to 'strongly dislike' (trying not to say 'hate') holidays.  I know I shouldn't feel that way (and I'm sure I won't feel this way forever) but this is how I feel right now.  I'm missing my husband, I see the sadness on my children's faces, and family is too far away to get together with...holidays just seem to compound the pain and loneliness.  *sigh!*  BUT it will get better! I cling to that hope!  I have to in order to make it through.

     I went to my husband's grave prepared to clean around it and water the ground with my tears.  As I began brushing dirt and cobwebs off the headstone and flower urn, I noticed there were cobwebs among the flowers (again).  Since they were beginning to look faded, I pulled them out to replace them.  Inside, was a big black spider and evidence of it's many midnight snacks.  I was trying to decide if I should just put the new flowers in and ignore it when it moved.  To my horror, I spotted a RED HOURGLASS!

Thus began....

THE BATTLE OF THE WIDOWS

The Grieving Widow versus the Black Widow

     I stood petrified for a few minutes trying to figure out what to do next.   The only thing I had on hand was Repel mosquito spray so I grabbed it and began spraying.......and spraying......and then I sprayed some more.  It worked...or at least stunned it enough that I was able to kill it and it's eggs with a stick. It was a battle between the widows, but I won (thankfully)! One thing about seeing that spider...it helped me to quickly forget my sorrow, but now I have the heebie jeebies!  

Whoever said, "you have nothing to fear except fear itself" must have forgotten about poisonous spiders!!! 

MOTHER'S DAY

    For many, Mother's Day is a day of celebration full of laughter and family get-togethers.  For others, it's a day of painful reminders and an empty place in the heart.  Some are missing a parent, others are missing their spouse, while the arms of others are aching to hold their child one last time.  I know of many...too many!  Whatever the loss, my heart and prayers go out for all who are grieving.

     Throughout the day, I found my mind meandering back down Memory Lane, perusing the streets of yesterday. Last year, Mother's Day fell two days after my husband's funeral taking all joy out of any celebration.  I remember feeling like I was walking in a nightmarish hazy fog.  It still seems so recent and yet so long ago....so many painful memories opening afresh the wounds in my mind. 

     I pushed aside the pain of yesterday to focus on the blessings of today.  My children surprised me with a card, balloons, and my favorite candy bars for Mother's Day.  My eyes welled with tears as they proudly presented their gifts.  This was their first year shopping without anyone else assisting or reminding them.  I know it all came from their hearts making their gifts extra special to me.

BROKEN HEART

     Well, this emotional roller coaster has thrown me for another loop showing me it's not about to let me off yet.  I thought once the 1 year anniversary was past, my grieving would lessen.  On the contrary, the tears have been flowing for the past two days.  Yesterday, it was difficult to quit crying.  I would get my emotions under control only to find myself bent over weeping profusely once again.  

      I managed to put on my 'happy face' last night while we attended a dinner honoring my daughter and her friend on their graduation and then once again for a meeting at the church.   Being busy was a helpful distraction, and we had great hosts who kept us rolling with laughter (much needed laughter!).  But once again today I find myself battling the tears.

     I am thankful that most days are good and the tears are becoming less frequent.  I guess I wasn't expecting grief to hit me with this much intensity again, but as I've often told others, "how can you get over 19 years of someone being such a vital part of your life in such a short span of time?"  You just can't!  Part of my heart is missing and it hurts!  Deeply!

     God has promised He will heal the broken hearts and bind up our wounds, but as with all wounds, it's a painful procedure and healing takes time. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change what happened that day, but since I can't I'm learning to pray this prayer: 

GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,

THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN

AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

GRADUATION DAY 2012

Lately, my mind keeps flashing back to memories of what I was doing "a year ago on this day...."

     My oldest daughter's graduation was Sunday - a day of joy and celebration - yet at the same time, there was pain and sorrow because her father was not here to help celebrate and cheer her on as she walked her graduation walk.  My mind kept thinking back remembering how on this day last year we were holding a funeral and laying my precious husband to rest.  I tried to push that memory out of my mind as much as I could (though it was never completely gone) so that I could focus on the joy and triumph of today.  So proud of who she has become and the knowledge that God has greater things for her life ahead!

     I wasn't sure my children (although teenagers) realized the connection between today and a year ago until my middle daughter asked, "Mom, do you realize it's been a year?"  Yes, my sweet girl, I can't help but realize it's been a year.  There were tears in both of our eyes and pain in our voices as we talked.  I noticed my son also had tears in his eyes so after we were finished with our heart to heart, I went to have one with my little boy who's now growing up into a young man.  I didn't get very far in talking with him...you know how these young men like to act like 'tough guys.'  I wish I could take their pain away and make everything better as I used to be able to do when they were little.  Unfortunately, I can't so I do the only thing I know to do....do what I can to let them know I love them and pray diligently for each of them.  I can't heal their hurting hearts but God can!

1 YEAR

It's been a tumultuous and agonizing year with so many ups and downs. It hasn't been easy, but I'm so thankful for friends, family, and God who've been with us every step of the way helping us get through.  So many have called or text me over the past couple days to check and see how we are doing...it means a lot to know they haven't forgotten. 

Michael Alan Wadsworth, "Only God could love you more than I do!!!" I said it then and still mean it now! I miss you so much! I will love you forever and always!

IT'S OK TO GRIEVE

     The past couple days I've been pondering whether modern technology has made the grieving process better or worse.  Before cameras and camcorders, did the loved one become merely a fading memory as time passed helping to ease the pain of what was lost?  While now, we have videos and pictures allowing us to re-live the moments of time past.  Perhaps, technology has made no difference in that area...pain is pain!  Losing a loved one hurts!

     I've spent the past few days transferring home videos from vhs to dvd.  I've laughed...I've cried....and sometimes I just had to turn it off and walk away.  The pain of re-living what once was and the knowledge of knowing what never shall be again was overwhelming.

     Forty-seven is not that old!  Eighteen years of marriage is not long enough!  It doesn't seem fair or right that my children are left fatherless...that they have to endure this pain! It doesn't seem fair that they will not have their father cheering them on at their graduation, at their wedding, or the birth of their future children!  It doesn't seem fair that I am left a widow at such a young age (I'm not even in my 40's yet)!

     But life isn't about being fair - it's never fair and this is the cross my children and I must carry.  I'm being honest and open about how I'm feeling right now.  I've tried to "Be strong!" over the past year...after all, that's what people expect...but sometimes you have to be weak and honest with the Lord about your true feelings.  He knows what they really are anyways and He understands.  It's people who do not understand.  People expect you to 'be strong'.  People are understanding as you mourn for a short period of time but then expect you to 'get over it' after only a short span of time.  How can you 'get over' someone who's been in your life for so many years in just a few short months???  It's not that easy! 

     Paul was not instructing that Christians should not grieve when he wrote, "we do not grieve as those who have no hope."  It's ok to grieve...even Jesus wept over the death of his close friend Lazarus (John 11:35).  We grieve...but not like those who do not have the hope of the Resurrection.  We grieve because although we know where they are and the joy that awaits them, we mourn their absence here.

     Grief takes time. It's ok to grieve. So, allow yourself to grieve and in time, your tears will give place to healing.

Sending Messages on Balloons

       It's been another rough couple months trying to get through Valentine's and my husband's birthday.  The kids and I have been missing him so much! They say the first year has many rough spots because of all the "firsts," and that's what we've been dealing with a lot lately.  So, I went to the store and bought a helium tank and balloons.  We filled the balloons then wrote messages to Michael on them before releasing them into the sky on his birthday.  I broke down in tears and cried for most the afternoon after doing this.  It's so hard and so painful!

Michael, we love you and we miss you so much!!!

CHRISTMAS

     As much as I love Thanksgiving and Christmas, I am thankful they're past...at least for another year.  There was such an ache in my heart throughout the entire month of December...I just wanted the holidays to be past and behind me yet it seemed the month drug by ever so slowly.  Trying to stay upbeat and festive for the sake of my children was difficult, but we made it through.  We smiled...we laughed...but we couldn't help thinking about the one person who was missing. 

     I've never known a loss before that has hurt as much as this!  Someone asked the question, "What do you do when your whole world is crumbling around you?"  My response, "Keep your eyes on Jesus!"

It Feels Like Eternity

     During the first few months after my husband passed, I remember looking at the calendar and thinking, "Wow!  It's already been 4 months?  It feels like it was just last week."  However, it has not stayed that way.  Time seems to be interminable since October.  Lately, I look at the calendar and think, "It's only been a little over 7 months?  It feels like eternity!"  When you're missing your loved one, 7 months is eternity....months filled with lonely days and sleepless nights.

     No one can know the depth or magnitude of this pain unless you've gone through it yourself...it's a pain that's difficult to describe or put into words.  Trying to celebrate holidays and birthdays makes it even more painful.  Still, I do not want our first Christmas without him to be completely miserable so we're working on making new memories....putting puzzles together, driving around looking at Christmas displays, and jamming to "It's Called Christmas" by Go Fish (which my son made me repeat over and over and over again) creating moments to laugh and smile again....memories I wouldn't trade.

An Emotional Roller-coaster

An emotional Roller-coaster.....that's the best way I've found to describe the grieving process.

     You think you're doing fine; finally starting to come out of the chasm of sorrow that's been swallowing you up for so long.  You're climbing higher, higher as you finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel only to be hurled once again downward suddenly, unexpectedly.  Now that you've hit bottom again, you pick yourself up, try to regain your composure, and once more begin your ascent.

  It's odd how the littlest of things, not even connected with your loved one, can start the tears flowing.  Today I was making tea when I suddenly began to cry.  The other day it was songs we were singing in church.  Even when I think I'm doing fine, my mind is thinking about the absence of my husband. Little things that need to be done around the house that once I relied upon his help for stand brazenly before me as another painful reminder. What makes it tougher right now is going through all the "firsts"...the first Family Weekend without him, the first Thanksgiving, and now this entire month is a stark reminder that we are facing the first Christmas. 

     As I sat here writing this, my heart overwhelmed with pain and grief, I reached for my Bible and asked God to give me a Scripture of comfort.  He did....

 Psalm 71:20-21

"You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,

Shall revive me again, and bring me up from the depths of the earth.

You shall increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side."

     As with every roller-coaster, this emotional roller-coaster will not stay down long.  There are still some ups and downs ahead as well as twists and turns, but eventually it will smooth out as it finally comes to a gradual stop.

Thanksgiving Day

Surviving the Holidays.....

     One holiday down, one to go, then to get through January and February...all of which have something special connected to my departed husband. That's how I tend to look at things now.

     All in all, I have to say Thanksgiving was a good day. Each person will handle and get through the grieving process differently....for me, it was having a change. My husband was one who always liked to celebrate the holidays quietly at home and once in a while have friends over. To get through this holiday, I needed to be around people. I needed to be on the go, and I needed things to be quite different. So thankful for friends who had a large family get-together and invited us to join them.

     It was festive, fun, and just what we needed. However, I found that once it was all over and we were home, the pain and sorrow began to overwhelm me once again. My kids were handling the day well (for which I'm thankful)....I didn't want to dampen their mood, so I was relieved when more friends called and invited us to their house for the evening. We roasted marshmallows as we sat around a campfire....this helped to pass the time and ease the pain. Again today, we gathered with more dear friends and celebrated with delicious food and fun games.

     As much as I enjoyed all the food and fellowship with friends, I don't want to forget what this holiday is about....being thankful! So right now, I want to say, "Thank You, Jesus, for Your love, for my family, for such wonderful friends, as well as Your many blessings....also, I want to thank You for the years I did have with my wonderful husband, and the promise I have that we'll see each other again in Heaven someday."

Here is a helpful site with great tips on surviving the holidays...
http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/articles/survivaltips

The Day the Lord Has Made

     As I was outside enjoying this beautiful warm weather with the sun shining, I thought “this is the day that the Lord has made.” 

      But then I realized so are the rainy days when all is overcast and there’s thunder, lightning, and strong winds that threaten to overtake you. 

    He also made the bleak wintery days that seem to linger for months…those days when it feels so cold. You look around and feel all is dead…the leaves, the flowers, the trees all seem brown and dreary. Your footing is unsure as you slip and slide on the icy paths.

     Yes, the Lord God has made it all. But it won’t stay that way forever. Eventually, the sun WILL shine again and all that seemed lifeless will begin to bud and bloom as the storms of winter pass. So it is in the seasons of life.

Things I’m learning as I journey down the road called Grief….

Many people will try to comfort you. Some will use wisdom while others will try in their own feeble way.

Some will bless you and say just the right thing at the right time, and to those we are ever so grateful.

Others do not know what to say or do and will admit it…that is understandable. Then there are those who rather than leaving it at “I don’t know what to say” feel they must say or do something even if it’s the wrong thing….to those we must be understanding and forgiving. They mean well and so we thank them.

Others will be totally insensitive and say things that are inappropriate for the moment (or ever). With some it will be intentional while others it is said out of ignorance.  Although people can say the most insensitive things, the one thing I’ve found to be true is that hurting people hurt others. When truth is revealed that person who said or did whatever is really hurting inside, too. So, my part is to love them, pray for them, and not retaliate…not easy when they’ve just poured what feels like acid on your gaping wound, but with God’s help I can let the love of Christ be manifest through me.

In Everything Give Thanks?

IN EVERYTHING GIVE THANKS: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1Thessalonians 5:18

This scripture has been going over and over in my mind. I’ve heard people ask, “but how can I be thankful that my family member just died?” I didn't really know how to answer that question....until now. My husband of 18 ½ years (we knew each other 19 yrs) unexpectedly passed from this life a few months back. I watched him suffer a massive heart attack before my eyes…my children saw it, too….it’s haunted me as I’m sure it has them.

So, how can I be thankful for that? The Bible does not say to give thanks for an incident or tragedy that’s happened, but in everything give thanks. As long as we can find something to thank God for, the enemy of our soul has no hold on us. It is a matter of the heart. I don’t understand why! I don’t like what has happened! I miss my husband so very much!!! BUT….

I’m thankful God brought us together. I'm thankful for the 19 years we had together...although, to me it wasn't long enough. I’m thankful we had a good relationship and acknowledge it’s because of Jesus Christ. I’m thankful for the children we have. I’m thankful for how my husband exampled to our family to keep Christ as the center of our home. I’m thankful he loved the Word and was constantly listening to the Bible or preaching. I’m thankful he was a hard worker (just wish now he hadn’t worked so hard…perhaps he’d still be here?). I’m thankful for all the memories we have of times spent together…just now my son came in remembering a snack his dad taught him to make which they called “Blueberry Surprise.” I'm thankful he loved us and didn't hesitate to show or tell us often throughout the day.

I’m thankful for all our family and friends who have been here for us, loving us, supporting us, providing a shoulder to cry on, and helping in so many ways. I’m thankful for all those who remember us in prayer knowing the journey is not over just because the funeral is past. 

And to my Lord Jesus Christ….I’m thankful that He has not left us nor forsaken us. I’m thankful He is our Comforter, our Provider, and our Protector. Most of all, I’m thankful for His promise of salvation and eternal life for this gives me hope and comfort to know we will see Michael again.

It hurts deeply right now…much more than I can express...but I will not let that stop me from giving thanks to God. He knows what He’s doing even when I don’t understand the purpose. Yes, I still ask why, but I trust Him for I know He loves me. For all these things, I am thankful.

Psalm 30:5

     I am learning many things through this new experience called bereavement. I could never imagine or fathom the depth and magnitude of the pain one experiences when their spouse passes on to their heavenly reward. Words cannot describe it. Only those who’ve experienced it truly understand. When you are married, you become one flesh and now part of you is gone. 

     I lost part of me three months ago when my husband passed away suddenly, unexpectedly from a heart attack. For the first several weeks I was in shock. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't expecting this to happen. It didn't seem real. Then I was thrown into the frenzy of trying to prepare for a funeral, make arrangements for weary family traveling to be here, along with still trying to care for our children and comfort them as they grieve. I am so grateful to be part of such an awesome church body....there were so many from all over who rallied to assist us. To each and every one of you we say a heartfelt "Thank You!"

     I've titled this blog "From Mourning to Morning" because God has given a promise:

Psalm 30:5

….weeping (Mourning) may endure for a night
(just for a while…it won’t last forever)
but joy cometh in the Morning (a new day is coming;
God will restore hope and joy to our aching hearts in due time).